I saw Clash of the Titans tonight, and the good news is that it’s not another In the Name of the King (which still holds the title for worst movie ever made).
For those of you who have never played World of Warcraft, and have no interest in ever playing it, skip the next paragraph for the sake of your sanity.
Nutshell: it wasn’t so bad for the first movie in a WoW franchise. I mean, it had beautiful and often ridiculous scenery, a rich storyline that no one cared about (including the characters). Everyone’s on some kind of quest, but the details are vague and no one feels like tabbing over to Wowhead to get the right coordinates. There were the usual fights over loot. (Draco: Hey Perseus, take that sword. It’s way betterz for your dps. Perseus: No way! I’m hoarding my DKP for a shield upgrade.) Like so many raids, Perseus’s crew has too many melee-types and not enough healers, but they did manage to pick up a warforged warlock. (Ooops, my bad. I’ve drifted off into D&D territory.) And the game . . . I mean, movie . . . ends with a bad-ass Boss Fight. Too bad the Kraken was nerfed to hell in the last patch. (And his drops were crappy, too: a doe-eyed damsel that no one wants to nail and two sets of pally leggings.)
In all honesty, I expected very little out of this remake, and I got my wish. I despise things in movies that make no sense, and every scene had at least one bit of silliness that couldn’t be ignored. The short list: flying horses that wander around the forest grazing aimlessly waiting to be found by equally aimless heroes, vast deserts in the middle of ancient Greece, bronze swords that can pierce stone pillars and hold up the weight of two grown men, and a main hero who learns how to be an expert swordsman in less than forty-five seconds because, like, he’s a demigod. (Thank goodness we can skip the training sequence montage!) Let’s not even get into the plot. (Transformers + Dungeons&Dragon + semi-Greek mythology = Clash.) The acting was . . . well, I give the performers credit for getting through their lines without laughing.
Did I like anything about it? Sure. For one, I took my wife, and any time spent with her is worthwhile. Second, Hades (God of the Underworld) was given a very slick appearance—understated (for this movie) black armor and smoky wings. I just wish Ralph Fiennes had dropped the annoying gravely-whisper affectation. Oh, and the black Pegasus was a nice touch.
But none of this matters because Clash made a bajillion dollars in its first weekend, so the geniuses behind this fiasco are probably being feted like ancient Greek kings by the Hollywood crowd. Get ready for Clash 2: Rise of the Fallen Lich-King Underworld God.
Hey, no one ever said life was fair.